numb

What's so wrong about living the life of the numb?

Using just enough medication to live in a world of half sedation

Believing yet not truly feeling

What's the sense anyway?

The cup is either half empty or half full

Why can't your mind be as such.

Lets fill the Styrofoam cups of our minds

with thoughts of nothing

and yet thoughts of everything

and let them battle it out.

There is never a winner,

but always a loser.

Let's sit and half care about the world

Let's stir up half emotions to deal with whole problems.

Let's half live.

Lets half give in

Let's half

f
a

d

e


away....but we have to stop at only half.

truly

Why do I do this?
Why oh why oh why?
I know that I have no intentions of loving you,
but I put on my best face and smile that sweet smile
that promises more than friendship.
But I don't even want friendship

I want love without having to love.
I want experience without experiencing a broken heart.
I want YOU to understand.
I want to tell YOU all of my problems .
and I want YOU to have answers.
I want YOU to hear the bad and
I want YOUto lie.
I want YOU to tell me that things like this happen to everyone,
But I am not just anyone.
I am Sarah *******
and maybe if I were someone else I would be able to love YOU
as YOU so obviously would like.

But do YOU really really REALLY!
know what YOU want?
I am afraid
I am disappointed at the outcome before "WE" even begin.
YOU fall too fast... Blindly
YOU know a part of me...but only part.
YOU know the part that has a smile that speaks of experience (that I do not truthfully possess).
The part that giggles at jokes that we both know aren't very amusing.

When YOU say you know me better than I know myself
I die a little.
I had hoped that YOU weren't like the others
YOU don't love me...YOU only like the IDEA of me
The "dream girl"
who YOU think I am.
I can't stand to look at YOU
I don't return your messages
I don't answer your calls
Until I forget
Until you forget
Until we both move on.

and then and then and then

WE TALK
and a piece of me hopes that YOU will be different
but it doesn't really matter,
because...
I am the one who needs to change
I am the one
I am the one
I am the one who will never love
but will ALWAYS want to be loved

when friends don't act friendly

The knife stings as it makes a bloody line appear from my upper chest right down to my pelvis

My eyes fly open but no one notices
tongs probe at my spleen
I attempt to scream and end up soiling myself in the process
I have no self respect left
no dignity

I try to writhe in pain but I am sedated
my arms and legs are not under my control
I have no control
I feel everything
I bleed tears
I see my "friends" and a glimmer of hope appears
I am picked up just to be turned over
and stabbed in the back

my skin hangs loosely
it's as if I am being undressed (but I am not wearing clothes)
I AM THE DOCTOR NOT YOU!
I fix things
I kiss the bruises and clean the scrapes
My shoulder is always wet from another's tears
I will pull myself together
I will sew my skin back together
I will heal myself
So that I will be able to heal everyone else and put them back together

I will listen
I will care
so that once everyone else is healed
I can leave them and not feel guilty
I can lock myself up
and never worry again about what I cannot control

I will heal you so that I can leave you
I will live happily
I will communicate rarely, but I will not be bitter
I will forgive
but I will never forget
My scars won't let me forget

You have potential!

I secretly think that you are a loser.

I honestly believe that you have no future.

If it weren't for the fact that I am living through you,

I would tell you as much.

For now I will live by the book.

While you make rules,

just to break 'em.

I'll pretend that it's alright.

I will tell you that I believe in you.

I will lie.

Because...

I secretly think that you are a loser.

not feeling it

fuck this
fuck you and your mother
and your father
and maybe even your brother (depending on how he looks this evening)
and this weather too
even though it's fucked up already
shitty droplets fuck up the snow
leaving everything clean
this fucking rebirth might even be enough
to clean up
my dirty mouth

foot in mouth

fingers...fingers are all that is left

philanges that once carressed innocent flesh

skin perhaps is the better word

when I write of this I must stick to the facts

you touched me

your dirty fingers contaminated me

ugly as they were in their wriggling glory

they squeezed past my defenses

clueless and ruthless I became less...of myself

transformation complete, or not

now I'm stuck in a limbo, a world between worlds

of what can be, and what I really want

perhaps it was the ugliness that triggered my waterfall of emotions

i empathized with your ugly fingers

but now I realize that their ugliness was in fact a warning,

to prevent the innocent from the wrath of their satanic puppet master

your fingers once carressed my skin,

that sensation I might forget in time

but what I will not forget,

what keeps me up at night

is the memory of your fingers

grasping my heart

and the soft assuring pressure I am now meant to live without.

I think I might be stuck

I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck

Unstick me please

I'm down on my knees

Do you not hear my pleas?

I'm stuck